Do you ever have those seasons in your life where it feels like the only question everyone asks you is the one question you want nothing to do with? Maybe you don’t want to be asked because it feels to raw and vulnerable. Maybe you don’t want to be asked because it is annoying and you are sick of answering. Maybe you don’t want to be asked because you know the person asking won’t like the answer. Or…maybe, you just simply, don’t have an answer for the question. I get it. And if you ever need someone to listen, to be with you, I’m here for you. We all have walked through many seasons like this. My longest one is going on 16 years (give or take) because update, I am still single.
But, that one, I am used to be now. The current question I am struggling with is this: Are you moving back to Minnesota now? And from everyone in Hawaii, you will be here next year, right? I am cringing as I write these questions. Why? Because I do not have an answer. Well, I do, but it doesn’t actually answer the question being asked. It leaves the person asking confused maybe even perplexed. If I am honest, my prayer is that it leaves the person asking saying, ‘Wow, I want what she has. I want faith in Jesus the way she does.’ So, here is my “unanswer” to that beautiful, ugly question:
I do not know, but God does. I am waiting on Him; in His timing, in His wisdom and guidance. He lead me here and no matter how much I love Hawaii and this community, Minnesota is my home. And I know that WHEN God is done with me here, He will lead me back home. I dramatically feel like Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, but I am truly wrestling with God to 100 percent surrender my will in this.
“My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” Matthew 26:42
I am not Jesus. I am barely even suffering to tell you the truth. But, I am wrestling. So, over and over again I am praying, “Not my will God, but yours be done.” As I pray that, I am believing more day by day that God has got me. (I mean, if you look at the year I had while I was 30, it is pretty obvious that He does indeed have me and HE IS IN FULL CONTROL!) And yet, I am human and therefore, trying to have control of my life again. I will get there and I know when I let go of any sense of control I feel I need to have, when I fully surrender and say to God, “Okay, I am going to be joyful and present no matter where I am living in September. I am going to be okay if I am still in Hawaii.” And when I mean it wholeheartedly, then God will step in, He will provide the answer to my current, most dreaded question.
So, how do we get there?
And, what do we do while we wait?
Although I am not quite there yet, I will let you in on my journey thus far:
We seek God, above all else. When this question was hitting me the hardest a few months ago, I stopped. I stopped trying to answer it and I just sat with God and His word. Every day at lunch for almost three weeks, I fasted and dove deep into His word. It was imperfect and it was beautiful. Out of that time came the words, Patient Endurance. I had a new peace, a new gratitude, especially within the four walls of my classroom.
When we are stuck, when we are wrestling with God, when we are waiting on Him, we seek Him first. We become vulnerable, we yell, we pray, we sit still. And it is not going to change all at once, but our heart posture does, our inner joy and peace does. We have more control over our emotions. In seeking Him, this is what we are promised:
But seek his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33
Jesus tells his disciples this in the context of “do not worry.” Honestly go read all of Matthew 6:25-34, even if you have before, because it is almost as if we need it daily. In seeking Him, the worry we have, it fades, it loses its power over us and in that, we start to feel the freedom of Heaven again.
We pray, every day, passionately and persistently. (Stay tuned for a whole other post on this because God has been at work within me!)
We seek Godly wisdom from those around us. We share what we are going through. We say, “I am not okay. There are moments, sometimes even days, where I lose myself.” We ask for prayer, purposeful and intentional prayer. We seek community. We keep showing up.
And above all else, what my mom and dad taught me to never forget:
- Jesus loves us.
- Keep the faith.
Waiting, something I feel like God is so kindly helping me become an expert on. Waiting is my least favorite thing to do. I have so much patience, it is not that, but it is the “I want to know, I want the answers,” that gets me. The mystery of the waiting and my need to understand. Like why am I still single? Okay, enough of that.
But the reality is, we wait because we have faith. Because we know God is in control. Because we know that He is working all things for good. I will just leave my favorite bible verse here to back this up:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
We grow our faith muscle by reading God’s word, by giving Him our worries, our hearts’ desires.
We remain present. In worry, in fear, in the unknown, the enemy wants to steal our present joy. So, we don’t let him. We are stronger than the enemy because we have God fighting FOR US! God has got us in the waiting. So, we keep showing up.
Out of my fasting and time with God, I became my old self in the classroom…in the midst of chaos, I have been able to step back and realize what a blessing my students are. I have been more patient, more excited, more energized to love these kids well. I have been more motivated to just keep showing up, I even started to run again! Last week, I was beat down and drained, but I showed up. I went paddling with a friend, I went to play pickleball, and I even went out surfing by myself (sorry grandma!) It was so JOYFUL, even though I had to talk myself into being there. It is just like that stupid marathon I ran last year. We put one foot in front of the other. And as we do that, as we seek God in every aspect of our lives. We trust that He is working ALL THINGS FOR GOOD. And we are reminded that this is not just for us, but for all of the people around us, for every broken soul that walks this beautiful Earth.
Love and Blessings,
Radical Road 